don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I wear drunk well.