all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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