there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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