I am puke
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
not ubering you a puppy
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
