im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Randomize
