I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
