Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
We just shotgunned beers for America
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
