All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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