do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
