i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Randomize
