you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
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