i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
