So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
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