There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
