I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
