you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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