Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
