Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
