I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
