yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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