stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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