no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
