I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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