Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
