So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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