I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
