My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
