i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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