I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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