Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
