I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
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