STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
