I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
