My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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