To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Randomize
