You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
