official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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