so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
