Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
