Umm I'm too high to move.
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
