I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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