so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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