I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
