I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
