She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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