I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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