Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Randomize
