I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
