the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
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