HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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