just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
