you win again, gameday.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You can't just leave with hair like that
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
