Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
