I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
