She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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