Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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