Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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