I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Randomize
