You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
