just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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