I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
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